back to the grind

i've been putting off blogging because i'm lazy... but per kim's request here i am! this is how i spent my 27 points today...

breakfast- Quaker Oats brown sugar oatmeal squares

 

lunch- a salad with tomato and cottage cheese

 

dinner- a chicken sausage with ketchup, 2 slices of wheat bread as the bun and pita chips

 

snacks- a fiber plus bar, supurb-y herby sauce exposed pizza, edemame, 100% fruit bites, an orange, carrots with fat free ranch, fat free sugar free chocolate pudding.

 

and theres that feeling again... sort of.

yup, this week hasn't been a good one. i could easily say it has been and pretend i ate fabulous this week... but the truth is i didn't write everything down, i didn't weigh everything out... and sometimes i weighed stuff out and kept right on pouring long after i hit the serving size. why? i can't tell ya. tonight i just finished polishing off 3 servings of chocolate covered raisins in one sitting.

i'm an emotional eater. and for some reason this week has just been one of those weeks. nothing major has gone on yet each day i've found some reason to indulge in an extra 2 cookies, or a few more chocolate covered raisins.

a few days ago i found a haircut that i fell in love with.... it's super short and unlike any haircut i've ever had. i printed out pictures already and have them in my purse... i want nothing more than to call up my hair stylist and book an appointment next week to chop off my hair.

but. i'm in a debate with myself. i feel i need to loose a good 30 pounds (at the least) before this haircut would look even remotely good on me. my face is huge. i am huge. and chopping off my hair is only going to accentuate this.

so here i am again, angry with myself for letting myself get to this weight. an ashamed and horrible feeling you can't explain to anyone else. and i tell myself that i promise from that moment on i will be good and i will drop the weight and i will be SO MUCH happier 50 pounds from now. and in the whole flurry of feelings where do my emotions push me? to eat more. to calm myself through food.

i can think of 4 events going on in the next month that i do not want to take part in solely for the fact that im ridiculously embarrassed of my weight. i dont want to be seen by people looking like this. most days i don't even feel like a person. if you are fat, the world treats you different. i've been 50 pounds lighter before... and i know i got treated a heck of a lot different by people than i do at my current weight. it's an unsettling truth that i carry on my back every single day i leave this apartment.

the looks people give you. the attention they give you. the overall way they treat you.

of course i wish for good health. of course i wish to be thinner. and every day of my life will be a struggle to get there. and hopefully one day i'll find my perfect balance in my war against food and exercise and all that is involved in the mix. but in the mean time is it too much to ask to be loved and appreciated for the person i am at my current weight?


tonight. i was so proud of myself. for about an hour. i had asked if greg wanted taco bell or pizza for dinner because i just felt like it... and he said taco bell, so i assumed on his way home from work he was picking it up.... he didn't. which, fine. i didn't need it so i took it as a sign. he offered to go out and get it but i know that i don't need it, and i will make due with what we have in the house.

great. good girl courtney.

so 5 minutes after getting home, greg and our roommate take off to a party for the night. i search our pantry, the fridge, the counter. i can't find anything appealing. nothing. finally i settled on some pulled bbq chicken on a slice of bread. it was no taco bell, but it was ok. then i said to myself that i would eat one serving of chocolate covered raisins because i didnt go to taco bell.... but in pouring that first 30 grams out i felt that maybe i needed 2 servings.. which then snowballed into pouring three. i just sat all alone on the couch and watched a movie and ate my raisins.... lonely, a little sad, and just feeling blah.

did i even really enjoy them? probably not as much as when you only have a couple and you really take the time to savor each taste as not to rush through them... i had my own little heaping container and i might as well have swallowed them whole...

now i'm done chowing down on raisins... my movie is done.... and i'm left with the same disposition as before i began eating. i'm alone, depressed, and wishing i had someone to hangout with. emotional eating at it's finest.

and now madison has just left the most awful present ever in the litter box and if i don't go scoop it i think i might die.

happy friday night!

monday weigh-in

i took pictures of everything i ate today... but i just don't have the energy to post it tonight! i might just take the week off and resume next week.... we'll see!

in good news, after week one, i am down 3.8 pounds!

5-04 205.2 lbs
5-11 201.4 lbs

day 7

breakfast- yoplait light cinnamon roll yogurt and a fiber one bar

 

lunch- same as yesterday... vegetable soup and a grilled english muffin with turkey and cream harvarti cheese... why mess with a good thing? hehe

 

dinner- breakfast for dinner!! pancakes and syrup. i made a little dude with spiky hair!

 

snacks- chocolate covered raisins, an oreo, a fudgesicle, an edy's lemon fruit bar, a gnu flavor and fiber bar in chocolate brownie and a lofthouse cookie.

 

today was a busy running around kind of day. i sorely lacked fruit, but thankfully we went to costco today and i got a nice big box of oranges that i look forward to opening tomorrow!

today marks the 7th day of my photo food journal project, which concludes the time i said i would devote to doing it. i have mixed feelings... part of me really enjoyed it, it slowed me down and made me think more about my choices (as having to get out the camera, set everything up, find good lighting and get a good angle prevented me from randomly grabbing something and shoving it in my mouth in a moments notice... i had to really want it to go through with the entire process... i had to work for it in a sense.) and then the other part of me was driven nuts because i had to concern myself with all these other things just to eat one simple bowl of soup or whatever it was i was shooting... and half the time my food was cold by the time i got around to eating it... or greg was already done with his before i would take my first bite.

it is neat to look back on my week and literally see everything i ingested. there was not one morsel or crumb that went unphotographed, so i'm really quite proud of myself in the end. both for the fact that i was honest with myself, and for that fact that i remembered to record it all via camera.

so do i just let it be a project for the week as it was intended? or do i keep rolling with it? i'm unsure, but come tomorrow at breakfast i guess we will see if there is a camera lurking at my table.

without further a do... here is what my body survived on the past 7 days... along with a lot A LOT of water!

 

pretty amazing.

day 6

Today was a good food day! greg and i actually sat down at the kitchen table, not only for lunch but also for dinner. this is a big thing in itself as we eat in front of the tv 99 percent of the time. so to have 2 meals in one day at the table together was a welcomed change. now if only i could get him to slow down because he likes to vacuum his food down as fast as possible and the world needs to slow down and enjoy their food! (i'm a super slow eater... i like to take my time and savor each bite!)

breakfast- Quaker brown sugar oatmeal squares

 

lunch- greg and i ate grilled english muffin sandwiches with turkey and of course cream harvarti, pita chips, and a giant bowl of vegetable soup.

 

dinner- i was especially excited about dinner tonight as it has been planned for 2 days now. inspired by one of my dads favorite dishes, we made whole wheat pasta topped with broccoli and Marzetti's blue chesse italian vinaigrette dressing along with shrimp skewers which we marinated in chiavetta's before grilling. this meal took about 10 minutes to make and was SO good.

 

Snacks- Fiber one bar, 2 double stuff oreos, 3 hershey's sandwich cookies reese's peanut butter flavor, healthy choice fudgesicle, and strawberry shortcake. we found the hershey's cookies today at target and although 3 points for 2 cookies is a little high, i say they are so worth it.

 

so thats how i spent my 28 points today. i'm happy with all of my choices.

day 5

breakfast- Cinnamon roll oatmeal... super delicious... though nothing holds a candle to the cinnamon rolls at Ikea!

 

lunch- my good ol turkey sammich with cream havarti cheese on wheat bread, but just to switch it up for ya'all i didnt cut it today!

 

dinner- chicken sausage smothered in ketchup (if only ketchup counted as a serving of veggies haha!) on a light white bun, pita chips, 6 can vegetable soup and 2 strawberries.

 

snacks- fiber one bar, WW cookies n cream bar, cottage cheese (this was my first time eating cottage cheese that i remember and i'm still unsure of how i felt about it), edamame, chocolate covered raisins, sun rype fruit source mini bites (i HIGHLY recommend- these delectable little chewy treats are 100% fruit pieces and each serving contains 2 servings of fruit in them!!) healthy choice fudgesicle, vita muffin vita top in deep chocolate, and half of a lofthouse cookie.

 

Today was a rough day. it was teacher appreciation week so the PTO made the most amazing lunch spread for us at work today...


I can't even tell you how hard it was to sit in that room and watch everyone else fill plates full of food, not to mention the array of desserts they had that wanted to join me for lunch.... badly.

i am very proud to say i touched not one thing in there. i stuck with my lunch that i packed and then I came home and treated myself to a few chocolate treats that were extremely more point friendly to my day. *pat on the back*

i just hope the half a cookie i cut off isn't too lonely sitting in the package still... poor thing. who cuts cookies in half?!

day 4

breakfast- Quaker brown sugar oatmeal squares.

 

lunch- roasted herb turkey with cream havarti cheese on wheat bread.

 

dinner- ground turkey tacos with lettuce, tomato, mexican blend cheese and taco sauce. (i did end up adding more lettuce and tomato after i took the pictures... my bad!)

 

snacks- a fiber one bar, edamame, watermelon, superb-y herby sauce exposed pizza, healthy choice fudgesicle (with severe freezer burn with no added points!), Tropical Twist Cliff Kid twisted fruit rope, a lofthouse cookie and an Edy's strawberry fruit bar.

 

although chocolate is my favorite i must admit that the lofthouse cookie really hit the spot tonight. and since i knew i could only eat one i took 15 minutes nibbling on it because i didnt want it to end. i think greg swallowed his whole hehe.