yup, this week hasn't been a good one. i could easily say it has been and pretend i ate fabulous this week... but the truth is i didn't write everything down, i didn't weigh everything out... and sometimes i weighed stuff out and kept right on pouring long after i hit the serving size. why? i can't tell ya. tonight i just finished polishing off 3 servings of chocolate covered raisins in one sitting.
i'm an emotional eater. and for some reason this week has just been one of those weeks. nothing major has gone on yet each day i've found some reason to indulge in an extra 2 cookies, or a few more chocolate covered raisins.
a few days ago i found a haircut that i fell in love with.... it's super short and unlike any haircut i've ever had. i printed out pictures already and have them in my purse... i want nothing more than to call up my hair stylist and book an appointment next week to chop off my hair.
but. i'm in a debate with myself. i feel i need to loose a good 30 pounds (at the least) before this haircut would look even remotely good on me. my face is huge. i am huge. and chopping off my hair is only going to accentuate this.
so here i am again, angry with myself for letting myself get to this weight. an ashamed and horrible feeling you can't explain to anyone else. and i tell myself that i promise from that moment on i will be good and i will drop the weight and i will be SO MUCH happier 50 pounds from now. and in the whole flurry of feelings where do my emotions push me? to eat more. to calm myself through food.
i can think of 4 events going on in the next month that i do not want to take part in solely for the fact that im ridiculously embarrassed of my weight. i dont want to be seen by people looking like this. most days i don't even feel like a person. if you are fat, the world treats you different. i've been 50 pounds lighter before... and i know i got treated a heck of a lot different by people than i do at my current weight. it's an unsettling truth that i carry on my back every single day i leave this apartment.
the looks people give you. the attention they give you. the overall way they treat you.
of course i wish for good health. of course i wish to be thinner. and every day of my life will be a struggle to get there. and hopefully one day i'll find my perfect balance in my war against food and exercise and all that is involved in the mix. but in the mean time is it too much to ask to be loved and appreciated for the person i am at my current weight?
tonight. i was so proud of myself. for about an hour. i had asked if greg wanted taco bell or pizza for dinner because i just felt like it... and he said taco bell, so i assumed on his way home from work he was picking it up.... he didn't. which, fine. i didn't need it so i took it as a sign. he offered to go out and get it but i know that i don't need it, and i will make due with what we have in the house.
great. good girl courtney.
so 5 minutes after getting home, greg and our roommate take off to a party for the night. i search our pantry, the fridge, the counter. i can't find anything appealing. nothing. finally i settled on some pulled bbq chicken on a slice of bread. it was no taco bell, but it was ok. then i said to myself that i would eat one serving of chocolate covered raisins because i didnt go to taco bell.... but in pouring that first 30 grams out i felt that maybe i needed 2 servings.. which then snowballed into pouring three. i just sat all alone on the couch and watched a movie and ate my raisins.... lonely, a little sad, and just feeling blah.
did i even really enjoy them? probably not as much as when you only have a couple and you really take the time to savor each taste as not to rush through them... i had my own little heaping container and i might as well have swallowed them whole...
now i'm done chowing down on raisins... my movie is done.... and i'm left with the same disposition as before i began eating. i'm alone, depressed, and wishing i had someone to hangout with. emotional eating at it's finest.
and now madison has just left the most awful present ever in the litter box and if i don't go scoop it i think i might die.
happy friday night!
